


Ladies of Catan

by laleia



Category: Settlers of Catan (Board Game)
Genre: Gen, Original Characters - Freeform, Ridiculous Crack, Self Inserts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-03
Updated: 2010-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-12 09:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laleia/pseuds/laleia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, it's a zero-sum game.  Only one can win ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ladies of Catan

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the board game. All characters are my inventions, and I tried to make all actions consistent with the logic of the game. I wrote this at the request of a friend, so I'm sure it will be vastly more amusing to my friends (serving as one large inside joke), but who knows? Maybe there is someone else out there with a burning desire of Settlers of Catan fanfic?

“Her armies are amassing at an alarming rate,” the messenger reported.  “She has threescore troops at her command, and she has not hesitated to blackmail the Robber into uprooting her extensive network and bandits and migrating from Lady Crimson’s sheep pastures to the forests bordering the two of our settlements.”

“It cannot be helped,” the regal figure in vivid orange robes said with a sigh.  “I simply do not have the troops to persuade the Robber to leave.  Instead, I shall have to rely upon providence to coax her into abandoning her new headquarters before our next lumber harvest.”

“If I may be so bold, sire,” the messenger said hesitantly.

“Speak as you will,” Lady Firehart allowed.

“Lady Crimson truly lives up to her namesake, sire, delighting in dyeing the fields crimson with the blood of her enemies.  With her army, and forsooth, she has the largest in all Catan, was it wise to anger her in blocking her designs on the Port of Ore?”

“It cannot be helped,” Lady Firehart said.  “We needed the Port for ourselves, for the sake of our people.  If we cannot trade our surplus of ore for much-needed wool and wheat, our people would starve and how then could our settlements ever grow into cities?”

“Yes, sire, but Lady Crimson has grown ever vengeful since she found herself hemmed in on all sides by our roads and our settlements.  If her country cannot survive, sire, she seems quite determined that we shall not either.”

“Despite her numerous attempts at sabotage, even she knows in her heart of hearts that the inevitable death of her country is the sole result of her actions.  In her narrow-minded worldview, with her miscalculated tactics, she saw not the forest for the trees.  Even _she_ would acknowledge that the fault at its root is her own, were she asked.”

“Yet she presses onward, sire.  I fear that were she ever in a position to directly attack our settlements and cities, she would do so with no hesitation.”

“You are wise in your foresight.  Lady Crimson is not rational in the bloodshed she seeks.  We are fortunate she will never be in a position to directly attack our land.  As for her repeated efforts to sabotage our forests, for that I suppose we shall have to rely on the charity of either the Lady Snowe or the Lady Indigo to trade with us.”

“Surely Lady Snowe would be so generous as to aid where she could, given your past history, forgive my presumption, sire,” the messenger ventured.

“You shall soon learn that when one rules in Catan, it is paramount to separate the personal from the political.  Though we bear affections toward each other in our personal lives, I would never presume she would give ground in the political realm.  Though she might have been inclined to take pity on our people and persuade the Robber to take residence elsewhere, or to trade with us what resources she has, our country has recently thrived, and in a world such as ours with its limited resources, international politics is truly a zero-sum game.  There is a winner, and there are clear losers.  She cannot afford to lose.”

Lady Firehart looked out her window at the beggars in the streets, and at the smoke from the mines in the mountains beyond, and sighed.

“Alas, I fear ours is now a game of patience, to see who can bide longer and who luck shall favor in the end.”

\--

The statuesque woman in her white dress wore a frown on her face as she pored over the latest reports from her outlying cities.  At a knock on the door, she looked up.

“Yes, Yuki?” she said.

“There is a foreign emissary seeking an audience with your ladyship,” her lady-in-waiting announced through the door.  “She says the matter is urgent.  Shall I send her packing, or keep her waiting until morning?”

“From where does she hail?” Lady Snowe asked most wisely.

“From the look of her vestments, she’s Lady Indigo’s woman,” her lady-in-waiting replied.

Lady Snowe steepled her fingers in thought.  It was rare for Lady Indigo to send an emissary in this manner, as she was typically not of the personality to use diplomatic channels, nor had relations between the two countries fared all that well since a few of Snowe’s early settlements had blocked off Indigo’s opportunities for expansion.  If she was sending an emissary at this stage of the game, the matter must really be urgent …

“Have her wait in the Marble Room for a candlemark or two,” she decided.  “I must attire myself properly if I’m to receive guests.”

\--

“I’m afraid the stakes have risen since we last spoke, boo,” the Robber said, toying idly with a coin she flipped from finger to finger. 

“I thought we had a deal,” Lady Crimson said tightly, “and I remind you to address me with the dignity due my station.”

“ _Forget_ your station,” the Robber snorted.  “You’re desperate, you have no resources, and you need me far more than I need you.  If _anyone_ should be addressed with dignity, it should be _me_.”

“Why, you-”

“Let’s skip the part where you question my parentage and impugn my honor, shall we, and get to the meat of the matter?  It’s becoming … _expensive_ to take advantage of Lady Firehart’s hospitality.  I’m going to need a little more incentive if you want to continue your private vendetta.”

“How is it becoming more expensive?” Lady Crimson demanded, eyes narrowed.

“Let’s just say that some of the other important players in Catan are leaning on me to move my base where it won’t inconvenience them quite so much.  Your armies are a threat, certainly, but they have armies, too, and _they’re_ offering me gold to move house.  To stay, I might need an … equivalent offer.”

“How much more incentive will you require?” Lady Crimson asked grudgingly.

“I want access to your mines,” the Robber said without hesitation.  “It’s not like _you’ll_ be using any of that ore; you can’t develop any more cities without putting too much burden on the land,” she smirked.  “I want your future ore.”

Lady Crimson looked for a moment like she might accept, but a blink of an eye later, she’d pushed the table out of the way and had a knife at the Robber’s throat.  “I have a better idea,” she hissed, her eyes glinting.  “You do as we agreed and I _won’t_ slaughter you like the pig you are right now, and I _won’t_ send my armies to root out your forces and massacre them all.”

“You might want to look down,” the Robber said, indicating her equally sharp knife poised to make an equally fatal thrust.  “We seem to be at an impasse.  Only, if I recall correctly, gut wounds are _so_ much more painful and take _so_ much longer to die than nicking the artery.”

“You’re forgetting one thing,” Lady Crimson spat.  “Haven’t you heard the rumors?  I’m _mad_ with vengeance; what care I if I die?  All that remains for me in this world is to take as many down with me as possible.  Now, you can either number yourself among the collateral damage now, or you can quietly do what I say and live a while longer.”

\--

Lady Snowe swept into the Marble Room, her most impressive and intimidating conference room, in her stateliest formal attire, and brought all her _gravitas_ down to bear on the emissary from Lady Indigo.

“Well?” she demanded coolly.

The messenger lifted back her hood to reveal none other than Lady Indigo herself.

“Indigo,” Lady Snowe said, startled.  “Yuki said that one of your emissaries was waiting, not that you yourself were at the door.”

“That is as it should be,” the Lady Indigo inclined her head.  “I did not intend for my presence to be broadcast to all and sundry.  This is to be a private meeting between us two.”

“Well have a seat,” Lady Snowe indicated, “and I shall ring for some refreshments.”

“No, that will not be necessarily,” Lady Indigo said.  “I shall be brief, as I must return to my city before the sun rises, lest my absence be noted.  I have come to propose an alliance.”

Lady Snowe, who had been in the middle of summoning a servant anyways (intending to discreetly indicate that some tea was needed if she was to remain alert in the upcoming negotiation), paused.  “What nature of alliance?”

“You and I both know that Crimson will turn her attentions toward us the moment she has succeeded in ruining Firehart,” Lady Indigo said solemnly, “and that while Firehart’s situation remains dire, she is still the most prosperous of us all, and could very well sweep aside our two nations if Lady Crimson were not so set on barring her way.”

“I am aware of the situation,” Lady Snowe said slowly.

“I propose that we align forces, however, briefly, each to aid the other in building up our resources so that while Lady Crimson blocks Lady Firehart, we two can take the whole of Catan for ourselves.”

“That is certainly a daring proposal,” Lady Snowe said, turning the idea over in her head.  The whole of Catan for herself?  (And another – but Indigo could be dealt with at a later date, if need be.)  “I will need some time to think on it.”

“Do take your time,” Lady Indigo said.  “I will expect your answer in actions; words are cheap.  If your army can convince the Robber to decamp from the lumber forest my city borders, I will take it as a sign that you accept the alliance, and will be sure to trade any lumber gained with you as need be.  If you do not choose this step, you understand that I will consider you my enemy and deal with you accordingly.”

“I understand,” Lady Snowe acknowledged.  “You will have my answer within a fortnight.”

Lady Indigo donned her hood again, and Lady Snowe summoned Yuki to escort her out of the palace.

 _Well, things are certainly getting interesting …_


End file.
